On Background Music
Last Saturday, I managed to dispose of a piece of tech to a fellow software engineer who could make better use of it than me. I was feeling pretty well going into the week until I cried because I realised it was the first time in the last 6+ months that I did not have to worry about how I was going to afford the next meal and have to go through the anxiety of which friend who still replies to my messages should I attempt to ask for help again.
I also stumbled across a sermon by an incredibly passionate American preacher Paul Washer. I experienced the passion and zeal of the Americans during the US part of my global tour last year, especially when I attended the sermon concerning the fig tree back in New York. I was deeply moved by his passion and I believe he was preaching under the guidance of the Holy Spirit and telling the truth. The only issue is, that he made me realise I made a mistake quite early on during my faith journey and I suspect it is also the reason why some Christians stopped talking to me after reading my writings. The Christian view on homosexuality and sexual immorality is substantially harsher than I had ever imagined, and people stopped talking to me simply because they read more of the Bible than I did. This realisation and condemnation caused me great pain in the last couple of days on old wounds again and made me question my salvation once more. The preacher also referenced the relevant passages in Romans 1, which I felt the truth cutting through my bones into my soul on the Sunday just over 21 weeks ago. My experience and encounters in the last 15 months testified to the truthfulness of the Word. If I ever deny that then I would be a lost cause.
The pain caused a numbness that managed to distract me by shifting my focus to some quick side projects concerning my immediate career moves. I continued my soul-searching despite being busy solving technical challenges and I only have a partial answer or resolution to this seemingly impossible challenge. At this point, and as alluded to previously in my posts, He exists, He loves me, and I exist are the only three things I know to be true and in that order of precedence. I will happily check into a mental institution and spend the rest of my life in there reading and learning His Word on any day than rejecting His existence and He is the truth, the way and the life. I only have a partial answer or resolution to this dilemma concerning my homosexuality and I suspect I will not fully work it out until the day I meet Him. This is extremely hard, way harder than the Fermi paradox for me.
I learned about sex the first time around the age of 10 or 11. I distinctly remember the struggle and confusion I went through during that period. To put it simply, I considered whether I was a girl or feminine on the inside for a while because I instinctively did not want to be the penetrating partner in a sexual relationship. I felt rather relieved when I found out about homosexuality and was frankly a bit glad because I found girls quite annoying sometimes and I liked being a boy. I was also extremely annoyed when I visited a discreet gay sauna in mainland China a couple of years back and learned about my community in my own culture. Everyone just outright assumed that I must be the dominant partner in a sexual setting because I do not behave in a feminine way. I did find the cultural difference and the underlying psychological and socioeconomic implications fascinating whilst watching them drop their jaws and repeatedly triple-check that they did not mishear what I said.
I contemplated the concepts of being true and being good also around that age when I had those struggles and confusions concerning my sexuality. The TL;DR from the early teenage mini-me is the following. To be true and to be good is to do what is right even when no one is watching. The mental picture I had at that time was waiting like an absolute moron and dumbass for the green light before crossing the road at 1 am when the entire city had gone to bed and having the actual urgency to get home ASAP before I pee myself by an overflowing bladder. Being true and being good is choosing to be that idiot for the 13/14 year-old me. I did not involve the existence of Boss Man for that particular train of thought at that age, but I did consider if God exists and He hates homosexuals like me, then what could I possibly say to Him once I meet Him after my time in this world? My answer back then and even now is I probably have nothing to say, because I am a homosexual and it is true that is who I am. I would be genuinely intellectually curious as to why He made me a member of the marginalised in society and love to know what His plan was for me. I make that statement with nothing but respect, humbleness and reverence for Him. The lesson I learned throughout this journey so far is I can say nothing except to marvel at His existence, love, grace, faithfulness, wisdom, knowledge and work in this fallen world. I could not stop laughing for nearly an hour after reading the Book of Jonah for the first time back in the first two weeks of this journey. I realised He pulled a gigantic prank/surprise on me and it is of the severity that I would have excommunicated the person from my life if someone else did that to me. Now come to think about it, that was the exact moment I fell in love with Him.
If you are a scribe or a pharisee and would like to question whether the God you had only known from scriptures has a sense of humour and is capable of making His children laugh through the use of satire and exceptionally annoying sarcasm, then I would strongly encourage you to pay attention to how much He loves using and telling His prophets to use the word behold. You have no idea how hard I rolled my eyes when I read the interpretation of Malachi 3:1 on BibleRef not that long ago. Boss Man is the King of Savage, Drama and Comedy if I have ever known one and the lesson that I sincerely hope you take counsel on from my troubles is you cannot outrun Him. He is God. And to be frank, I would not be into this heaven thing at all if I did not believe He could make me laugh by occasionally annoying the heck out of me. Variety is the spice of life, that gives it all its favour.
Apologies for going on yet another long-winded digression and back to the topic of sexual immorality. The preliminary findings from my soul-searching over the last couple of days were that I appear to be a rather peculiar individual. As described in my prior posts concerning my sexuality, I have this weird mental block of looking at my sexual partners and most of the abominable acts I experienced in the last decade or so would not require me to have sight at all. I would avoid eye contact with anyone and get on the sling as discreetly as possible before putting my blindfold on. I will then simply relax and let men take advantage of me however they want. I realised I was sexually driven by the desire to take the place of the partner being penetrated. As for the dangers, crimes and evils mentioned by the preacher, they are all true and I have been on the receiving end of almost every kind multiple times. I used to leave a piece of paper behind with the address I was travelling to so that if something were to happen to me, there would be repercussions for the perpetrator. Due to my somewhat unconventional way of work over the last couple of years, I benefitted tremendously from my abominable sexual perversions both mentally and physically for relieving stress. I also made a lot of friends and none turned their backs or stopped replying to my messages. Even He tells me to stop working and get the heck out of the flat every other day. And the Dude is the King of Workaholics who once created something pretty nuts in less than a week.
In hindsight, despite almost taking the shortcut from the fifth-floor balcony of my flat to meet Him back in August last year because of what some people in my community did to me in those 100 days, my community also took great care of me over the years and I had the honour and opportunity to learn about their lives from all walks of life. The topics we discussed after abominably exercising together and getting to know each other closely were exceptionally wide-ranging. I have met a surprising number of healthcare professionals and paid my respect to their love and sacrifice during COVID-19 despite how badly they are treated. I have met people who produce documentaries about water, a lecturer who wanted to try med school and trained as a surgeon for no obvious reason halfway through his career, and a fellow sexually promiscuous gentleman who successfully stood up for himself against the system after serving his country faithfully in the prime years of his life. As it turned out, we were in Berghain at the same time on multiple occasions during the six months that I travelled.
I am acutely aware that I am extremely fortunate to be in my position and I have always been grateful for the generations of my community who fought the fights against the tide so that I can be who I am truthfully and discreetly today. They carried and bore the cross for us and I am forever grateful for their love and devotion. For our today, they gave their yesterday. I look forward to meeting them and learning about their lives in a world where there is no more death, strife, suffering, pain and tears. I make it a rule that I do not reject or be hostile to anyone for mere outward appearances regardless of whether they are seeking a conversation or intimacy, because I know what it is like to hide myself away from the world due to the fear of shame, humiliation and rejection. I also found it to be surprisingly easy to make friends truthfully at the bar of Berghain’s basement. I think the urge to hide diminishes significantly when you have daily normal conversations when naked. The gay sauna in central London was my shelter after getting kicked out of Rosebay last July. I wanted to be around people, but I also did not want to engage in conversations with strangers and I went there mostly after midnight during the week. I learned about the lives of many of the staff there and I had my first profound awakening of sorts whilst contemplating the prior events alone on a sling during the early hours of one weekday back in August. I found out one of the staff had completed his second or third degree in theology a couple of years before when we were both taking a smoking break and I subsequently distracted him from work with the discussion on the meaning of the word revelation.
I know that my community is quite infamous for being mean and has the bad habit of engaging in gossip and even taking pride in it at times. I experienced that deadly force personally last year. However, my community has also been a strong source of support and comfort during my recent troubles. They could be extremely mean when they open their mouths, but I know deep down most of them are compassionate and caring, unlike my other straight “friends” who disappeared without a trace leaving no coffee behind. How peculiar is the world we live in? Could the 144,000 be literal virgins?
Speaking of revelation, there is another reason why I decided to take that insane leap of faith in mainland China on my second week as a believer after reading only the Book of Jonah and the Book of Revelation in full with bits and pieces in the other books including Romans 1-4 on the day I believed. I had a faithful witness who had been supporting me throughout this journey and we went to the same primary school and high school together in mainland China. She was more like an acquaintance than a friend before this journey and we exchanged messages at most a handful of times a year since I left China at the age of 16. She told me that she had always known that one day she would help me with something. She informed me that she and two other classmates of ours had dreams about fighting a war together with me in the last several years at different times with matching details. When He came to save me back in late August, He also told me to prepare for war. I informed my Chinese Christian missionary guide about the war and he told me to read the Book of Revelation. I realised it was a war against the root of all evil after seeing the evil people were willing to do for money and was reading the Book of Revelation for the third time on my flight from London to Hong Kong. The book not only contained the details of their dreams described by my Chinese school friend who had not opened a Bible before until I Bible bashed her to get one, but I also found details that matched my experience at the campsite during those 100 days. Frankly, I was scared shitless the first half dozen times I read the Book of Revelation.
The week before I got kicked out, I tried to have a conversation with the campsite boss John to figure out what had gone wrong and why the reality I was perceiving from the people at the campsite diverged significantly with my understanding of the situation. I went to reception every morning from Monday to Thursday with advance notice. I avoided bothering him over the weekends because I knew he would be occupied with the arrival and departure of guests. Every morning, I walked up to reception full of hope and joy because I thought I had worked out the preexisting issues and was looking forward to hearing his thoughts on my solution. None of the conversations lasted more than five minutes and I fell from heaven to hell emotionally on my way back to my caravan for three consecutive days. On the fourth day, I experienced something I later found out to be a depersonalisation episode after discussions with my therapist. The campsite boss John threatened to call help for me if I kept talking and I felt like I fell into a private home theatre watching myself talking with him but I could not hear what we were talking about. If you have seen the 2017 American psychological horror film Get Out by Jordan Peele, then this is the scene I experienced that morning. I could not remember what the conversation was about as soon as I got out of reception. The entire memory was just gone and the only thought in my mind for the hours that followed was I needed to shut the fuck up and get out of there as quickly as possible. I managed to calm down after the therapy session that happened to be rearranged to noon that day. I told my therapist at the beginning of the session that it was going to be rough. It was the only session in the three-and-a-half years of therapy where he did not speak a word throughout the session. He said he guaranteed I was not insane before our session ended.
I later realised the campsite boss John psychologically manipulated and gaslighted me when I was at the most emotionally vulnerable moment of my life, and I trusted him like an adopted father when my life was literally on fire and falling apart outside of the campsite. I did not step out of the campsite for three months and I went home for 24hrs two weeks before I got kicked out. Everything changed in those 24 hours. In those four conversations for four consecutive days, I was violently interrupted in the first couple of sentences and John would twist every single word I said with the opposite meaning and shove them down my throat whilst making me feel like everything was wrong because of me. I later realised he quite literally threw several tantrums at me and I felt an immense amount of guilt and tried desperately to fix things that were impossible to fix. I did not recognise them as tantrums because they did not come from a child, but from an adult and quite literally a father figure whose authority I respected. I told John at the beginning when I was setting up the Wi-Fi system that please send help if the internet goes down because my internet never goes down and there are two failover backup lines even if Starlink is down. I joked that I’m probably dead if the internet is down for an extended period. My therapy session was originally scheduled for Tuesday that week. On the Saturday three days prior, John had people waiting outside my pitch to collect the Wi-Fi equipment that I said I was gifting to the community for free along with everything that I had purchased including my caravan because they made me feel loved and welcomed me into my second family when my life fell apart with my first family. I ripped the key hardware out to give it to them and due to the complexity of the network topology that I was trialling smart home automation with as well as my mental state, I did not reestablish internet connection three days later on Tuesday when I was supposed to have my scheduled therapy appointment. John also had all the cablings I laid in those three months for the community ripped out and cut overnight. They even cut the cable that I use to provide Wi-Fi to my neighbour because he helped me a lot and I wanted to make his life better in areas that I could contribute. They did not retrieve the cable, they just cut it.
In the evening of the same day that I experienced a depersonalisation episode, my mind was spinning at 10,000% capacity trying to figure out what went wrong, why every action resulted in the opposite reaction from reality and for the first time in my life, words lost their meaning and cause and effect stopped making sense. I almost lost my mind that evening since I was trying to make sense of the reality that was nearly impossible to make sense. I tried distracting myself by organising my pitch after the havoc caused by non-stop rain for weeks prior and the difficulty of being a one-man IT department trying to provide the best Wi-Fi experience for the campsite guests.
I have yet another peculiarity about me. Ever since childhood and to this day, I could not sleep comfortably in darkness even when I was sleeping next to my parents. I need a light to be on just to sleep. I purchased a couple hundred watts of floodlights when I was at the campsite and my pitch was always the brightest. I nearly lost it that evening and you can see me putting a portable light up. It was the only time in my life when I did not need the light because I was scared of the darkness. I was lighting up the areas around me so that no one in the darkness would be scared of me. The biggest fear came from within and I wrestled with something of immense horror that I did not want even my worst enemy to know about. I wanted everything that was hiding in darkness to see me and not be scared of me by trying to appear as calm as possible whilst I was wrestling with that horror internally. The struggle ended when I felt like I managed to lock that thing up. I probably would have lost my mind completely if that was not the case.
I hate what John did to me, but I still love him and there is not a single doubt in my mind that he gave me the happiest two months of my life in 27 years of my previous life, despite what followed. I will forever remember him as the John and the best boss man I had come to know in the first two months we met. I do hope to meet that John again when I get to heaven, but whatever evil I encountered in the final weeks of my time at the Rosebay gay/bi-naturist campsite can burn in hell for eternity.
The only thing I have left to say about that place is the following and I say it out of love and concern for the next insecure young gay man who might fall under the charming spell of John when they are emotionally vulnerable and simply wants a shoulder to cry on. I sincerely hope that the people at the campsite who enabled John did not know what they were doing out of ignorance, otherwise evil does indeed exist in this world and it can take root in our hearts and grow without us realising we are on a path of destruction and death before it is too late. The following statements are descriptions of what I had observed at the campsite from my subjective first-person view, despite the implications one can infer from them, I want nothing other than being mistaken about the events. If that is not the case, then I want nothing other than John and the people at the campsite to repent from their ways and I hope to see them all one day in heaven.
I thought we had a running gag between us at the campsite that I might decide to leave one day like I decided to buy a caravan one day within a week after arriving there. John mentioned that people do that a lot and it caused him problems because they would leave their caravans behind and never show up again. He has a space at the back to store the abandoned caravans and he has to take possession and sell them after the bills run over. John was informed of the private conversations between the guests and me without my knowledge at least multiple times during my three-month stay. One of them was with a guest who also worked in the tech industry and I considered him a friend and an ally. I had that conversation with him trying to figure out why the community turned on me and the conversation involved mostly his concerns about my mental health and I tried to explain the misunderstandings. Before stepping out of the campsite for the first time after three months, my neighbour’s partner came up to me and discreetly told me to call my neighbour should the worst happen. I was extremely puzzled and I asked him about it after my return. He said my neighbour would take care of my caravan and possessions left at the campsite and John should not be the sole benefactor. I learned that no one at the campsite was surprised at what happened and it is a recurring pattern and mode of behaviour of John. I asked my neighbour why no one tried to warn me about it. He said it’s because no one wanted to offend the king and life goes on after the prey has departed. I wondered why the rent was so cheap and the numbers did not make sense after John boasted about the amount he was spending on the expansions and improvements. I asked two guests about the incorporation details of the campsite and checked the HM Land Registry on the train back to the campsite on the day I got kicked out. The turnover could exceed the VAT registration threshold and I did not find any details of a legal entity on any of the documents I signed or receipts. I found out that the gay/bi-naturist campsite is on land owned by a woman. John stopped me from entering when I got back to the campsite that day and we had a conversation in which he informed me that my membership had been revoked and my presence at the campsite would be treated as trespass on private property. The two guests informed him about my inquiries and he said he might finally close down the campsite which I loved dearly and considered as my adopted family because of me. He smashed my heart into pieces and blamed everything on me. I believed him until He came to save me five weeks later. There is no guarantee that the next insecure gay young man would not have worse emotional resilience than this crybaby. I do not want the next young gay man to take the shortcut I almost took from my fifth-floor balcony back in August to meet Boss Man. I hope I’m the last person to go through this and no one before or after had or will take the shortcut. I do not believe there is a financial motive behind John’s behaviour since he gets five figures per month from his Just for Fans following alone and not a lot of young gay men would spend £30k on a caravan within two weeks of arrival and give the campsite free Wi-Fi. I had a conversation with John about the reason why I trusted him enough to spend that amount within the first two weeks despite my insecurities. I told him it was because I observed how he treated the outsiders even amongst the outsiders. I was simple and naive enough to trust him on that, but before I could finish my sentence, John said it’s because it makes you feel in control. He told me the truth about him at that moment for the first time.
I will speculate only once here because I suspect not everyone knows about the disorder, but at the end of the day, I have zero qualifications in the area and I had only done limited research online after matching the checklist for another extremely entitled person in my life who tortured me mentally for six months and was the main reason behind taking a break at the campsite in the first place. The campsite could potentially, I sincerely hope that is not true, be a playground with an unlimited narcissistic supply of insecure young gay men. The dozens of resident flying monkeys were happy to turn a blind eye or reveal private conversations without consent. They had zero employees for a campsite with a 200+ guest capacity.
Do you know what annoyed me the most on the Sunday I converted after reading Romans 1-4? It was not the fact that Romans 1-4 read like a personal letter written to me and I felt the truth cut through my bones into my soul and called me a sinner to my face and told me why I had no claim to righteousness. I attended my first Sunday church service on that day and had a conversation at the pastor’s home in the afternoon. At the beginning of that conversation, I told them I wrote a blog about the events that took place six months prior and I begged them to please examine the evidence subjectively and not form an opinion until they have learned what had happened. That conversation lasted two hours and I realised they did not ask a single question about the events that took place at the campsite and I had not given them the link to my blog by the time I stepped out of their home. Two days later they sent me the link to a psychological clinic in West London. I do not need a psychological assessment to know that I am insane. As I realised before diving into mainland China for my three-day mission, taking the leap of faith is the same as going insane because you believe He will catch you based on faith and faith alone rather than reason. I have also worked out the argument on Faith Precedes Reason to logically prove that unbelievers are even more insane because they took a blind leap of faith their entire lives without knowing and they are probably going to smash straight through the ground soon.
If you are into theology, you might find the analogy I used to describe how I overcame the terminal illness of nihilism intriguing. The Gospel of John was the first book I tried to read after getting my first Bible back in late July last year. I did not get past reading the first page half an hour later and life turned into magic since then. I still have not finished reading the four gospels and to be frank, I am a bit frightened yet somewhat excited about what I might find in them every time I stumble across passages in them one way or another. I did not get to John 14 until about a month or two ago. I know that I will be fine one way or another and He will shove scripture in my face when I need them but I am just being a lazy ass like Jonah. But to be fair, I did build an AI tool to help me study instead of bombarding poor pastors with messages and emails. They stopped replying a while back anyway.
I believe duty of care is part of the job description of a pastor and they are supposed to shepherd the flock gently. My personally biased opinion is that the pastors who referred me to mental health services without looking into the evidence or even allowing me the courtesy to present it to them failed on the most basic requirement of a shepherd. You can say that I am delusional or hugely mistaken after hearing me speak for 30 seconds, but all I only ever wanted was someone to provide their perspective and input after reviewing all of the evidence, rather than outright reject and declare that I had lost my mind from merely the initial reaction in 30 seconds. What did He say about sensuality? I almost convinced myself I had gone clinically insane multiple times throughout this 20-week journey and I apologised to a pastor who’s more compassionate by making the understatement that I am perhaps a little bit insane. The pastor mentioned they also said that about the legendary Mr Noisy Gong, Apostle Paul. I believe that is what they said about my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ as well.
I think I finally know why most Christians had little to say when I asked them about the Old Testament. It is because they liked the similarities between the Lord’s teaching and humanism, but our way is wrong and we don’t even know how to spell good and evil anymore. His way is the only right way after I saw the abomination of desolation that is academia especially modern schools of philosophy. He loves us, but please do not try to test His love by pushing the humanism agenda under the disguise of religion. He is not a religion. He is the truth, which is another word most people don’t seem to know how to spell anymore. The world is already insane and most people are drug addicts insane enough to not know they are insane. I don’t think I can make it worse as someone who knows they are insane by knowingly taking leaps of faith. I will keep going till the love runs out.
I had three candidates for the background music when I was planning my New Year present to the world. The one I liked the most was Higher Love written by Steve Winwood and Will Jennings, performed by Kygo & Whitney Houston. I decided to rush out the New Year present before I drowned myself in procrastination again and did not decide on the background music. I made my decision when I was on my way to Israel last month and you will find out that song on the day the director’s cut is completed.
Higher Love - Song by Kygo and Whitney Houston
Bring me higher love, love
Bring me higher love
Think about it, there must be a higher love
Down in the heart or hidden in the stars above
Without it, life is wasted time
Look inside your heart, and I’ll look inside mine
Things look so bad everywhere
In this whole world, what is fair?
We walk the line and try to see
Falling behind in what could be, oh
Bring me a higher love
Bring me a higher love, oh
Bring me a higher love
Where’s that higher love I keep thinking of?
If you are a member of my community and got here through my New Year present to the world then feel free to take the sheep or goat self-test and congratulations if you have overcome the world and passed the test. You knew Him without Him and had the law written on your heart without the law. Boss Man authored a bestseller for you a while back and you might find some surprises in there that no one told you about before. They lied to you about Boss Man. You can find my favourite make by Thomas Nelson that I hug to sleep without messing the pages up. Give Him a chance and He wants to show you His love. You might be surprised like I was and still is every day. It’s the house telling you to close your eyes and think with what’s in your head rather than what’s in your chest. The house is liar, liar, pants on fire now.
If you disbelieve then I look forward to the day I told you so, but I will take my time and enjoy this adventure of a lifetime with Boss Man. I know we win in the end. We already won. I saw it that night.
Turns out He didn’t need me to choose Him when mankind turned its back on Him. I need to choose Him when no one believes me. I chased Him to Bristol the weekend after I believed and it was one of the rabbit holes I got wrong and realised I had been an idiot, but I stayed in Bristol for the night. That evening, the song through which He baptised me with the Holy Spirit played again and He put something on my head and my right hand. I searched scripture myself and asked Pastor Xander from the Hong Kong Baptist Church if God ever gave men anything that is on their right hand. The three possibilities I found were scrolls, a sceptre, and chains if I’m the devil. I had been trying to be extremely subtle when it comes to understanding my role and the plan He has for me throughout this journey when speaking to pastors and theologians, which has only made them stop replying to my messages and emails.
When He came to save me back in August, the three things He promised me were to show me what I want to see, take me where I want to go, and glory. I had zero interest in the last one and did not care for it. I hated people’s attention growing up and was fine with sitting at the back as the quiet kid without attracting any attention. I have never had a birthday party and I never wanted one. I was exceptionally grateful and content for my life of 27 years except occasionally getting bored before finding another weird and seemingly impossible challenge to research and come up with whacky ideas using my weird imagination. Until a bunch of ungrateful mofos decided to mess up my first proper holiday with consecutive backstabbing whilst I dealt with a mental breakdown. I later found out glory belongs to Him and as God’s children, we can share His glory with our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. I’m happy with just a tiny bit of that as a formality or whatever if He insists on giving that to me since He did save my life, but otherwise, I’m happy to sit amongst the audience and clap as usual. I prayed for Him to take back whatever I believed He gave me whilst in Bristol. I had a go at this messiah thing and I would have been the last person on earth to apply for that job if He didn’t give me those things and the coincidences I encountered in scripture. Heavy is the head that wears the crown and my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ’s resume beats mine any time any day. I had the second or third lowest grade of my year at Oxford, got a third class and nearly didn’t graduate. I failed the Machine Learning module so maybe I know dick about the dangers of AI.
I told Him I wanted to save as many people as possible, especially my community and I believe He’s happy for me to do that. I still got most of the Bible to study, but as far as I can tell, we have been lied to about who He is actually like and most of the fucking scribes and Pharisees do not know God personally no matter how well they believe they know scripture. They didn’t seem to even get the basic order of precedence right before judging my community. We had to learn how to love by ourselves without the Lord and these lying mofos have the fucking audacity to call us an abomination when they were also an abomination and never knew love and hence God.
John 5:39
[39] You search the Scriptures because you think that in them you have eternal life; and it is they that bear witness about me, (ESV)
Matthew 23:13
[13] “But woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you shut the kingdom of heaven in people’s faces. For you neither enter yourselves nor allow those who would enter to go in. [14] Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you devour widows’ houses and for a pretense you make long prayers; therefore you will receive the greater condemnation (ESV)
So I’m going to go back to being Aaron Fucking Yang which I was exceptionally happy and content with, and I asked Him to please hurry up and sort out this fucking mess that is humanity so that I can finally take my couple hundred years of fucking holiday. I have slept on my bed less than half a dozen times since getting kicked out of the Rosebay gay/bi-naturist campsite in July last year and had to move all of my camping gear back to my London flat because an unfaithful former business partner decided to back out of helping me the very fucking last minute and kicked me out of my own fucking company after I begged her to help me or I go bankrupt. She did not lift a single fucking finger and received £50k from the fruit of my labour the year prior. I’m happy to just be who I am but tell the truth as far as I’m capable of grasping it as a mere mortal. I had and still have zero interest in receiving any praise from anyone and I fucking hate people staring at me. I have taken less than a handful of selfies in the last decade and I fucking hate looking at myself in photos. I will still be polite, but it’s time to stop fucking being nice to the ungrateful fucking cunts and mofos who keep taking and only give when they expect more returned. They are running out of time regardless. What’s the point if you are already living in hell and will end up in hell for eternity anyway?
This is the message I believe I was supposed to bring to the world and I preached it to the choir in the US during my global tour.
The Book of Revelation has started. There will be hard times ahead. He is coming back. Please hold onto your faith and best wishes.
I did not continue confidently preaching that message after returning to London because the bestseller is annoyingly thick, I never believed in myself and was in fear of making mistakes my entire life. I’m also not in the business of predicting the future other than for a couple of seconds in financial markets given my purely scientific materialistic education and my epistemological stance. Despite He gave me a get-out-of-jail-free card three months ago, I just sat on it hoping to get confirmations from the scribes and Pharisees. I got nothing except mental health referrals and avoidance of eye contact. I have asked Him for a sign for the first time and we will see. I also needed time for people to rob everything and leave me to burn and for Him to heal my broken heart. I wasn’t ready and somehow Dude’s super cool and considerate with that.
My Spotify playlist has grown from 300+ in late August last year to 3,081 at the moment of writing. I like Boss Man’s taste in music and He’s a dope DJ for sure.
I asked in my heart one question about Him for the only time in my life and I was being philosophically dramatic because of Nietzsche. And He showed up to save me five weeks later. I knew nothing about the Holy Spirit and I thought He gave me superpowers if He was indeed God. After witnessing speaking in tongue for the first time which confirmed the presence of the Holy Spirit for me, He also touched my back after I confessed my sexuality to the welcoming party He prepared for me 11 years ago before I even bought the plane ticket to London. It burnt a lot, but I checked after and there was no mark.
I mentioned previously that I sought after truth and knowledge my entire life and turns out they are written on the bestseller in mankind’s history, and took a 540-degree turn in life. Maybe I didn’t take a 540-degree after all, I was seeking Him this whole time and I found Him at age 27. Another bucket list item checkmarked. Added salvation and homecoming party preparation.
Matthew 5:2–12
The Beatitudes
[2] And he opened his mouth and taught them, saying:
[3] “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
[4] “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.
[5] “Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.
[6] “Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied.
[7] “Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy.
[8] “Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.
[9] “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.
[10] “Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness’ sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
[11] “Blessed are you when others revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil against you falsely on my account. [12] Rejoice and be glad, for your reward is great in heaven, for so they persecuted the prophets who were before you. (ESV)