On Mistake

If you saw my NSFW New Year present to the world, my guess is your jaw probably dropped. If you think I’m an exhibitionist in the sexual context, then all I can say is you won’t be able to find more than a handful of photos of me on the internet before this journey.

As mentioned in my previous posts, I have a weird mental block that does not allow me to even consider sexual activity with people I know. I can only enjoy anonymous sex acts.

Originally, I was planning to hide my face and it would have been an anonymous video on some popular NSFW video websites, and have a link displayed somewhere to direct one-way traffic. That would’ve been enough to reconnect my community with Jesus. However, He made me realise hiding my face is to hide my shame from men and it would mean I was still seeking the approval of men. Therefore, I decided not to hide my face from the world, despite the nakedness exposed is enough to make every human on earth turn their back on me. But at the end of the day, I know He will take care of me and I hope it also demonstrates the power of His love. Besides, what in the universe that He created can you hide from Him?

Throughout this journey, I took a lot of seemingly insane leaps of faith and they were riddled with doubt and uncertainty at the beginning, but He always managed to remove them through scripture and demonstrating His love and care. The fear of making mistakes has been decreasing rapidly and it’s getting increasingly easier to discern His will from my will.

I felt quite ill for the last two days partly due to physical exhaustion, but mostly from the leftover shame. Then I stumbled across Isaiah 53 concerning the suffering servant.

Isaiah 53:1-3

[1] Who has believed what he has heard from us?

And to whom has the arm of the LORD been revealed?

[2]

For he grew up before him like a young plant,

and like a root out of dry ground;

he had no form or majesty that we should look at him,

and no beauty that we should desire him.

[3]

He was despised and rejected by men,

a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief;

and as one from whom men hide their faces

he was despised, and we esteemed him not.