On Sprinkle and Startle
As mentioned in a previous post, I was feeling quite ill from the leftover shame after spending an entire weekend verifying my accounts on several popular video-sharing platforms and posting my New Year’s present to the world in an attempt to bring my community back to my Boss. Whilst trying to pull myself back together from the humiliation of showing my nakedness to the world, I stumbled across the servant songs in the Book of Isaiah concerning a suffering servant whose identity is a central disagreement between Judaism and Christianity. The most suitable word to describe how I felt when I read Isaiah 52:15 was startled.
Isaiah 52:15
[15] so shall he sprinkle many nations.
Kings shall shut their mouths because of him,
for that which has not been told them they see,
and that which they have not heard they understand. (ESV)
If you read my posts prior, I was in the middle of an extra-potent salt-sprinkling campaign with email and Spotify Ads to warn as many people as possible concerning the imminent danger of Artificial Intelligence, which I believe could cause unemployment rates at an unprecedented global scale. You could argue that it could be yet another “coincident” like all the coincidences I have encountered in this 19-week and 1-day journey. When researching the servant songs for interpretations in Judaism and Christianity to learn about the scholars’ thoughts and opinions concerning said servant, I discovered two translations from Hebrew to English for the verb sprinkle; the other possible translation was the suffering servant will startle many nations.
If you are not a member of my community or not hella gay, then my educated guess would be you were probably startled when you opened my New Year present to the world.
I was pretty happy with my old life in the first 27 years, partying like there was no tomorrow every night at the basement of Berghain as a rampant homosexual and perfect attendance every month at FickstutenMarkt (extremely NSFW in case you want to google it) in Berlin’s KitKat Club whilst making mid six figures as a digital nomad juggling multiple software engineering jobs remotely.
I had thought God would hate someone like me based on my stereotypical understanding of religion growing up. Therefore, I was exceptionally annoyed at how natural and smooth things were since starting my latest employment as a Christian intern for Boss Man. I keep picturing the angels laughing their asses off in heaven every time I stumbled across another “coincidence” in scripture. The most irritating thing is that I have never had this much fun at work, and I get to exercise my wild imagination to an unparalleled degree. I am restraining myself due to my timid and insecure nature, and I spend most of my time overthinking every possible edge case due to my occupational habits for managing risk when I was writing algorithmic trading systems.
Last week, I was still emailing pastors and theologians, seeking confirmation and reassurance. As usual, I did not get a reply. I realised that my desire to seek approval from them stems from the fact that I have not trusted myself for my entire life and have lived in fear of making mistakes. I still do not trust myself, and unfortunately, at this point, not many people are willing to offer me counsel or even reply to my messages and emails anymore.
I saw speaking in tongues the second time 8 weeks after I believed whilst attending an evening gathering for 20s and 30s for the first time at a church nearby. The stranger I met for the first time in my life started speaking in tongues halfway through, and she brought me a personal message from Boss Man. He sees me even in the parts that I hide away from myself, and nothing I do will make Him turn His back on me. I finally know what He meant by that. Throughout this 19-week and 1-day journey, I kept discovering the meaning of faith and worked out the relationship between love, faith and hope not that long ago. I realised I did not need to trust myself at all. I have a better and best option: I can trust Him. I realised the root cause of fear and worry is the lack of faith and trust in Him catching me when I make mistakes. All I need to do is trust Him more than fear or worry about making mistakes. Besides, fear and worry only work when I have something to lose. I have nothing left to lose after the last 15 months. What do they say about someone who has nothing to lose? Well, this guy with nothing left to lose is coming for you.
Little Lion Man - Song by Mumford & Sons
Weep for yourself, my man
You’ll never be what is in your heart
Weep, little lion man
You’re not as brave as you were at the start
Rate yourself and rake yourself
Take all the courage you have left
And waste it on fixing all the problems
That you made in your own head
But it was not your fault but mine
And it was your heart on the line
I really fucked it up this time
Didn’t I, my dear?
Didn’t I, my-
Tremble for yourself, my man
You know that you have seen this all before
Tremble, little lion man
You’ll never settle any of your scores
Your grace is wasted in your face
Your boldness stands alone among the wreck
Now learn from your mother or else
Spend your days biting your own neck
But it was not your fault but mine
And it was your heart on the line
I really fucked it up this time
Didn’t I, my dear?
You could argue that I am utterly delusional and living in a daydream completely detached from reality. After the events of the last 15 months, I realised despite their stupidity and foolishness, the existentialists were correct about one thing.
Hell is other people.
Jean-Paul Sartre
I would happily starve to death daydreaming and meet my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ than live in a Godless, loveless, faithless and hopeless world where death is the cliff most people are sleepwalking towards. You are already in hell if you reject God’s existence, and you are the one actively constructing it. You are just foolish enough not to realise that yet.